So with kids out of school tomorrow and a mother who may have to go back to the doctor's tomorrow afternoon, I am once again at a loss for a cardio workout.  It's really starting to bother me.  Yes, the circumstances are all beyond my control; they simply cannot be helped, but it does add to my frustration as well as my mood.  I've discussed before how lack of exercise really affects my overall general feeling of well being anymore.

So I am on a search for a treadmill at a very reasonable price (may be the only way I can get one) so that for days when getting to the gym is not possible on my time, (My time being when everyone else is at school/work) I could at least run at home, making me present for kids etc.  I thought my mother had one but had forgotten she had sold it to my sister, so that was a dead end.  A gal I know from an old job has one she is offering me for $425, but my concern is that it is a discontinued treadmill, so I might have a problem if anything goes wrong with it I may be screwed and the price is a little steep for me.  I looked it up and new, on the site I viewed was $600.  So yeah, a deal compared to a new one, but again, discontinued and a little steep in price for me.  She told me I could make an offer but I don't want her to take less than she wants and if she put it in the classifieds maybe she can get the price she wants for it. 

Another friend, Kelly, may know someone with one and is going to get back to me.  So, if any of my readers who are local know someone looking to sell off a treadmill, leave me a little comment with what you know.  It would be very much appreciated!

So we just got twenty plus inches of snow dropped on us in the last twenty-four hours and I am so not happy.  I took some pictures but yes, I have been totally lazy today and cannot be bothered to download them, resize them, and upload them in order to post them.  Maybe tomorrow as there is no church due to the twenty-something inches of cold, miserable, white stuff. 

Have I mentioned before how much I hate winter?

Have I mentioned they are calling for more of this crap on Tuesday and that my kids will probably be off school till freakin' Thursday? 

Have I mentioned we are still not sure if my mother is finally on the upside of this surgery stuff?  Though all stitches are out, there is still concern about her ear.

Though all of this is beyond my control, I can still hate how sporadic it makes my workouts.  I ran on Thursday and could so tell I had not run a week and it makes me wonder how I am ever going to advance in running.  I still can't run a mile without stopping.  I guess it is just taking me more time than most due to time and circumstances of late.  Le sigh.  Still hate it though.

We are getting ready to go to dinner as we actually found an open place.  Our cars are dug out and The Brit actually went out for a drive; says the roads aren't great, but we'll make it.  We probably won't be battling much traffic.

I finished reading "The Last Song" last night before bed and spent the last few chapters crying like an idiot.  The end all just reminded me of my father's battle with cancer; of sitting up with him his last few nights, of watching him shrink in size and stature, of being with him when he took his last breath, telling him it was okay to go.  Hard stuff but such a gift to be able to see him Home that not everyone gets.  Anyway, good book, soon to be a movie starring Miley Cyrus, so I will probably maybe go see it with my ten year old huge Miley fan son.  As long as Hollywood stayed true to the book.  Hate it when they change stuff.  Pisses me off. 

Okay, getting ready to get out of here.  Hope you all in my neck of the woods are warm and not too snowed in.  The rest of you who don't get snow....I hate you. 

So in response to yesterday's blog, Jimnotmike, posted this:

So, what I want to know is how your "Friend", when faced with such disdain from those fellow "Christians", handles it? I'm curious, because for me that particular "Christian influence" is what played such a huge role in my rethinking of my belief system. I guess where the gray area falls for me is in what makes a Christian a Christian and what makes a Christian a wacko? Any thoughts on that subject?

My friend handled the situation with grace and dignity that the author of the original email did not deserve, in my opinion.   Amongst the things he very politely told her, was this "I am no less of a Christian than you are. I'm proud of who I am, who God has created me to be. Do you think that the people of *name of church* can't be led to see God by someone who thinks differently than they do? Can only conservative *name of denomination* point the way to Him?

So yes, this young man handled himself very well in the face of horrible judgment and criticism.  Kudos to him and I do believe this is the way God would feel.  Can only those morally, upright (or in many cases "uptight") Christians show the way?  My vote is "no".  Often the same kinds of Christians are also against females preaching and I have been involved with those who felt that way several years ago (so Jimnotmike, it is not only the gay issue for many of these self righteous people).  My argument to that is, who were the first people Jesus showed himself to after his resurrection?  Women.  And what did he tell them?  "Share the news with others." 

As far as the "what makes a Christian a Christian and what makes a Christian a wacko?" part, I think people can go the extreme with anything they believe in strongly and it's sad and often what gives the rest of us a bad name. Who would want to follow a God who wants His people to pass judgment on others?  Not too many folks sign up for that and I can't say as I blame them.  Looking down the end of one's nose at anyone else, in my opinion, is not a Christlike thing to do.  Jesus hung out with the tax collectors and the prostitute amongst others that the rest of the community looked at as "The villains" but he didn't judge them.  He didn't tell them they were going to hell.  What did He do?  He loved them.

I think a lot of Christians also hold too tightly to the Old Testament which is where all the anti-homosexuals get most of their ammunition.  But Jesus came in the New Testament, many years later and made a new covenant with God's people.  Jesus was a rebel.  Think about it.  Think about who he hung out with and some of the things he did.  He was human; fully human yet fully God.  And the greatest commandment He gave us, that Jesus himself gave years after the whole Ten Commandment thing?  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Doesn't that just say it all? 

But you are always going to have people who are over the top about their beliefs and not just about Christianity.  I have an acquaintance, who after he lost a bunch of weight got absolutely crazy with exercise.  Not like me, crazy. Like 900 crunches crazy and running three times a day crazy.  People get their over the top crazy on with politics, with animal rights (I am all for animal rights, but c'mon, sometimes those PETA people....).  People go to the extreme and maybe it is to make themselves feel better or maybe if they are pointing the finger at someone else, they don't have to look too closely at themselves.  I have known Christians with gay siblings who refuse to associate with them and I know God isn't smiling down on that.  Common sense alone tells me that and if that isn't enough, that whole "love your neighbor" thing, I'm pretty sure that would include siblings.

Anyway, I could ramble on about this forever and I am so passionate about it, but I won't bore you with what many would only see as my own "uneducated and unchristianlike" opinions.  I am fortunate enough to be a part of a church who accepts people for who they are; the same way I believe God does.

And Sylvie said:

I think Christians like her are really the ones who keep non-believers like me from even talking to believers. Why do I want to start a conversation where the other person will just unleash vitriol instead of understanding? I think we need more Christians like you Kim, to bridge the gap.

Sylvie, thank you.   I always hope that if my words can make just one person think about things differently, then I have done some good for the world.  I totally get what you are saying, which is why when my church split, I could not go with the other side.  There were too many judgments of things I just didn't believe in, but when it was all said and done, I stood with the minority and now as a church, we struggle a bit financially, but when it comes to love and acceptance, what you find at my church is amazing.  And you know what else, Sylvie?  You are a non-believer talking to a believer in her comments section...and that's enough for right now.  We all have to start somewhere to bridge the gap.

I went to the movies today to see the above film.  I had never heard of it, but someone on Facebook suggested I become a fan of it, so I went to the website to check it out and was interested enough to go see it.

The film deals with teen suicide and is Christian based, which probably means it won't last long in theaters, but it was extremely well done.  It was the kind of movie that makes you want to be a better person, mother, youth group leader, whatever. 

Yet films like this always make me doubt everything where my own parenting skills are concerned, especially with my eldest son, who has always been a challenge to parent.  I never know if I am parenting him correctly.  His early childhood was not good with his biological parents (let's face it, had it been good, he would still be with them) and it is hard to know whether those experiences have made him the often difficult kid he is or if it is his ADHD.  But I keep trying to renew my efforts; to try to do things differently, to try something else.  I don't know what the answers are, I can only keep praying to find them. 

Had another little issue to discuss...the kid I mentioned a few weeks ago who came out of the closet?  Well, he has a great voice and is a passionate Christian.  However, the music person at his church has decided he should no longer be allowed to sing for his congregation.  She said he has "taken the name of God in vain, professed to be a Christian and then got up to sing" (sorry, what?) and that he had abused his "God given talent".  This troubles me so much because it is Christians like this woman who give the rest of a us a bad name and I hate it.  Being a Christian does not give us a right to judge and if I know nothing else about God, I know He loves all His children....and I don't think He would be pleased with the judgments this woman passed on this kid.  Christians have done so much damage to these relationships and I just wish there were more people willing to try to make amends.

I went to lunch today with friends and having a mad craving for pizza (my second favorite food next to sushi) I ordered a small which was also listed on the menu as a "personal" pizza.  Okay, it was not huge, but it was about 9 small, square pieces and it was the best pizza like ever.  And I managed to eat all of it but two pieces.

Wow.

It was an intense reminder of how much more I can eat now than I could the first year after surgery.  Only now can I so clearly see how imperative the first year really is.  It is in that first year that we have to learn what is so important and for me, that was mainly getting into the habit of exercise, because the weight management is not always going to be easy.  If I were not the exercise addict I am now, I would be in some serious trouble.  I still love food.  I sometimes feel annoyed when I get full if I am eating something I especially like.  But I have changed the way I eat 95% of the time.  Oh, there is still that 5% time when I can eat almost a whole personal pizza, but then what I did was REALLY watch my food intake the rest of the day and made sure I worked especially hard in kickboxing tonight.  The pizza came with a price and an unspoken promise that I was going to not allow the pizza to win my entire day.  I loved every bite of it, but I know the calories it carried with it.  So yeah, I can eat it.  But yeah, I am going to make sure that eating it is not going to send me into a downward spiral of bad eating and not exercising.  Not an option, kids.  Not going back there and I will bust my ass to make sure it doesn't happen.

I can emotionally eat with the best of them.  After taking my mother for her final surgery on Monday, not only did I want a cigarette afterward, I wanted food in a bad way.  The cigarette was a definite NO, so I found myself in the Chex Mix thing I blogged about yesterday, BUT I had enough sense to realize what I was doing and got myself outside for a walk.

You have to use the first year to learn the tools you have to have for LIFE. And even if you have let things go and have put weight back on, it is never too late to learn what you need to do to get the scale moving in the direction you want it to, but it will not happen without work.  Know it, accept it and get it done.

Some Ho just outbid me on three books by John "the Penguin" Bingham on eBay.  Ticked me off, but I was not going any higher than $17.  His stuff was recommended to me by one of my YMCA instructors.  Though I don't take her class anymore, we ran into each other last week and got to chatting about running and apparently, he has a walk-run method that really interests me as that is pretty much what I have been doing so far. So I'll keep looking.  Sadly, the library does not carry his stuff.  Hmph.

Biggest Loser fans, is Jillian Michaels not amazing?

So I survived last week's bus class, though we are still in the midst of mama drama with my mother and her ear.  My brother (yes, he stepped up!) had to take her back to the doctor on Friday as her ear was very painful, so they again stitched a bolster inside of it.  Then today, The Brit and I took her back for the second part of the nose surgery and the doc again messed with the ear, which leads to pain and I am so ready for all this to be over and I know she is too.  I'd like to think we are in the home stretch, but I don't want to jinx anything.

I am trying to get my food/exercise back in order again after too many weeks of abnormality with mom and my class.  When we got home today, I knew that by the time I got the Y, it would be packed and I hate that.  So I sat down to watch my soap opera and started nibbling on Chex Mix until I felt about half sick.  Getting up, my thought was "ENOUGH!".  So I called Tod and we did roughly a 2 mile walk.  I felt much better for it.

I have discovered that men have a talent for leaving things almost empty and it is so frustrating at times.  My favorite sweet snack is sugar free jello with a dollop of Light Cool Whip and The Brit likes the same only with sugar free pudding.  Twice....TWICE now I have gone for my dollop to only find barely a scrape left in the container.  Why not just use that little bit?  And even better, use that little bit and go to the basement to get a new container out of the freezer so the next person has non-frozen Cool Whip?  Seriously?  My kids do it too.  With milk or soda.  My oldest will drink all but those last two sips out of a two liter bottle of soda, just so he will not have to throw away the empty bottle.  Again, seriously?  Is throwing away a container out the back door into the recycle bin really all that taxing?  Men, don't answer that.  We already know the answer.

So along with sorting out my food and exercise, I am trying to catch up on my life this week both at work and at home.  Stuff needs done and I also need to study for my CDL tests...stupid air brakes.  I am such a girl when it comes down to mechanics.  I have this innate need to not care about how things like brakes work.  I simply don't care, but for the MVA tests, I have to pretend to!  HA!

Okay, getting late but wanted to update you all as to what was going on and I will try to write more tomorrow!

You know, we are always learning new things about ourselves, aren't we?

This insane week, what I have learned is that when I am tired and burning the candle at both ends, I do some serious carbing!  I mean wow! 

I have been chewing on this:



And these....



So thankfully it is not cookies or chocolate, but still!  I don't know if my brain is trying to convince me that tired must be fueled by empty calories or what, but enough already!  Only one more day!

Bus training has been interesting and today especially so.  Today we role played.  Other trainers and bus drivers assisted with we, the students, taking turns being the driver, while the rest of the students got to join in the fun of pretending to be either small, elementary school students or older, and sometimes way more obnoxious middle or high school students.  The scenarios were not the norm, but were possibilities; things like a guy and a girl picking on another girl's clothes, calling her a "dollar store ho" (Which cracked me up totally), to a couple making out in the back.  One of the drivers was suddenly on her cell phone on the bus (not allowed) and the driver was asking her to turn it off and then we all got into it, yelling at her to get off the phone (pretending to be other students, of course).  She was talking and laughing and we finally realized she actually WAS on the phone with the main office!  Too funny.

It was a little intimidating really; the thought of being on a bus with a bunch of kids, some of which don't behave, being a sub driver, who has never driven the route before, yet alone dealt with the students.  Though nine of us are in the class, one of the trainers told us that not all of us would show to do our behind the wheel training.  I find myself considering each person and wondering which ones will not show up.  One gal I'm not sure about as she is very soft spoken, which in the most perfect of circumstances would be fine but any other circumstance, probably not.  But she could surprise me.

But though I am a bit intimidated, I think I'll be able to handle it.  I think my personality will allow for me to be able to deal with most situations, hopefully with some humor even, as that is generally my way.  I would much rather be able to enjoy these kids and respect them with them respecting me and as I have dealt with all kinds of kids in short doses on mission trips, a 30 minute bus ride should not be an issue.  In a few weeks, I'll let you know how that is working for me.

Tomorrow we are tested and will be let go early, then for me, it is on to study my CDL book in order to pass the written tests through the MVA.  Once those are passed (I have high hopes of being able to do them all in one day) I get my permit and then get my behind the wheel training with the board. 

Okay, onto work and getting a few things done.  Have to stop by mom's tonight and then have praise band later, so it is full day!

(Written Tuesday night to post on Wednesday)

So tonight at kickboxing, my beloved GBC called me "honey."  Le sigh.

Okay, now for the rest of the sentence which was something like "That's not a push up, honey."

Yeah, you heard it here.  I cannot for the life of me do a push up.  I don't get it.  To get anywhere near the right form and I don't feel like I have the upper body strength to do them.  What is the secret to training to do these puppies?  Given all the things I have learned to do in the exercise world, this is a major source of frustration for me.

I am really tired tonight and it is only Tuesday.  Class was cold today.  We spent a lot of time outside, in a bus, in the cold, learning how to evacuate special needs kids.  So we were dragging 40 pounds bags to the evacuation door, jumping out and then lifting the bag/child out of the bus.  We manually ran the lift door in the event the mechanics of it broke down.  Tomorrow, we are again outside to learn to set off flares.  My ten year old is so jealous.

Then it was off to the church to work, then home to do laundry, vacuum, pack lunches for the next day, finish dinner etc before racing off the YMCA for kickboxing where my favorite instructor called me "honey" as he insulted my push up....justified as it was as my push ups suck.  Maybe I need to Google them.  Or You Tube them or something.

And the husband has been moody or something....men are odd birds.  Just didn't feel like talking to me tonight which is frustrating for me.  I spend the morning with strangers, the afternoon alone, the evening with children.  By the time I see him I am ready for familar conversation.  Him, not so much.  Just a "how was your day, dear?" would be lovely,....but then again, he will read about my day on this blog tomorrow.  Le sigh.

And I still want my pizza, dammit.

Do I have any readers other than Kim (and Kim, thank you for playing my comment game)?  Am I boring ya'll to tears?  What do I need to do differently?  Tell me as I am a people pleaser by nature.

So how are your weeks going?

Evenings are really hard for me.  I plan out my food all day long but come evening, when dinner is finished and tidied up and lunches are packed, that is when it gets complicated.  And it doesn't even start out badly; cucumbers and some dip, a sugar free jello and I would have been finished had my ten year old not come down and offered me a handful of M & M's.  I don't buy them, don't carry them, but if offered, I am powerless refuse.  Le sigh. 

Well, I survived day one of hell week.  Bus training was interesting.  Only nine of us in the class and a sense of humor is thankfully appreciated, especially given the amount of rules there are for driving a bus.  One woman in the class is semi-annoying as she doesn't want to leave anything to common sense, which translates into everything must be questioned for a Very. Specific. Answer.  Problem is, when it comes to kids on a bus, there is not always a specific answer.  I finally spoke up after one rather long discussion and said "It sounds to me like there are a lot of judgment calls, but err on the side of caution."  It's just better to be safe than sorry.

So after class, I headed out to the church and after putting in my time there, I went to the gym and ran-walked two miles on the treadmill.  You know, there are pros and cons to both treadmill and outside  running.  Treadmill running gets boring, but you can control your speed and your terrain.  It is all even "pavement" running on a mill and the climate is more or less controlled.  Outside, you have the beauty of your surroundings and the ability to actually see in distance how far you have run.  But either way, I am glad I got it done.  Being this busy, like so many other things in life, is stressful and I don't care what your stresses are, though exercise won't solve your problems, it can help you keep your mental health in check.  And that matters, no matter what you may think. 

There are days I have to literally drag myself out the door in my workout attire, either because I am tired, having a crap day or a crap life at the moment, but I am telling you, exercise helps me with all that.  It helps my coping skills.  It puts me in control of something in my life, even if everything else feels totally out of my control. I can take the worst day and make something good come out of it for myself.  It may seem like a small thing but it is truly not insignificant.  I just think it is really true; that becoming stronger physically, helps us to feel empowered with everything else in our lives.  There is absolute truth there.  There is a confidence that comes with becoming healthy and that confidence spills over into all other aspects of our lives.  Just try it.  Better yet, make it a habit.  I believe with all my heart that the results will surprise you.

I think people quit exercise programs because they don't give them enough of a chance.  That definitely used to be me.  The first few weeks it is a chore and one we don't generally feel like doing.  "I have to move....A LOT...and SWEAT.....A LOT."  No one is in a hurry to sign up for that.  And people want to see immediate results...they are not immediate.  But give it a few weeks and you will be surprised.  My body now misses exercise when I have to go a few days without it.  Don't get me wrong; I don't sit around freaking out because I have this intense desire to dump whatever obligation is taking precedence and run to the YMCA.  It's not like that.  But when I have to go a few days without exercise I find myself getting irritable more easily and I feel very sluggish.  Like just let me curl up in a corner and sleep sluggish.  My energy level, my outlook on life, all of it is better with exercise.

And don't let yourself get into an exercise rut either.  Try new things.  Sure, you can find that one workout you LOVE and adore, but if you never mix anything else you, you are likely to get bored and boredom is
 a downward spiral.  Challenge your mind and your body with new things and don't talk yourself out of them before you give them a real chance.  The "I could never do that" mentality probably means you can't.  You've already talked yourself out of it.  The mind is incredibly powerful but it can be used both for evil and for good.  Our bodies are generally capable of so much more than our minds want to accept, so approach new things with a "can do" attitude and you will be surprised at how far you go. 

I've decided that today is Comment Tuesday.  Who's reading?  Leave me a note.  It's been way too quiet around these parts lately!

Okay, so my hell week is officially starting.  Bus driving class from 8-1, then on to the church, then home and trying to work in cooking dinner and a workout.  I don't want to be insane and try to hit the gym five days, so my plan is Monday to run, Tuesday for kickboxing (Michael, I miss you and your butt kicking), take Wednesday and maybe Thursday off, and then run on Friday.  I am hoping one of these nights, The Brit will text me with this message "I am picking up a pizza at Dolces on my way home."  Okay, so that is kind of an "in your face" subliminal message, so I'll let you know how that works out.  I have been craving a slice of pizza from there dipped in some ranch dressing....yum.

I was spending some time this weekend reading Jen's blog over at Prior Fat Girl .  I like Jen's blog a lot as long as I overlook her occasional comment about WLS being a quick fix (Don't I wish that were true), but Jen has lost over 100 pounds with diet and exercise alone.  She is also in her twenties when weight loss is a bit easier than in your forties and what I don't think she understands, is that my life is a lot like hers with food and exercise.  But anyway, she is definitely worth the read and she is very motivating.   Anyway, I ran across something Jillian Michaels said that she had posted on her blog and upon reading this, I realized how guilty I am of this very thing.  In fact, I do it ALL THE TIME. 

The quote:

When I told Jillian how much weight I've lost, she congratulated me. And then (as I always do), I added, "But I still have a long way to go." "Stop," she said. "What does that do," she said, "apart from negate everything you've already accomplished? You're being self-deprecating and disempowering, and that doesn't serve anyone-and especially not you. Be proud of what you've done for yourself."

I received two compliments today alone about my weight loss and to both my answer was exactly that, "I have a long way to go."  I'm really trying to work out why just saying "Thank you.  I've worked really hard." is so difficult for me.  Even now as I write this, I have nothing profound to say as far as why this is an issue for me. 

Compliments growing up were often left-handed from my point of view.  "You have such a pretty face" was always a knife going through me that basically said "You have nice facial features, so too bad you are so fat."  My uncle once told my mother, "If she would just lose that weight, she would be unstoppable."  Now, even though I have accomplished a lot of things in my life, even before losing weight, the weight was still what was being seen; it was the thing that apparently, from his point of view, made me fall short of my full potential. 

There was always a "But", even if it was unspoken.  The thought was there.  Everyone uses "She has such a pretty face" to describe a fat girl.  An idiot director I once had in theater, who decided I could not be in Godspell because of the scene where the disciples had to pretend to be sheep.  He felt I was too fat to full that off, even though I was in my twenties, way smaller than I was at my highest weight and sang the pants out of my audition.  His "But" was "I can't imagine having a show without hearing your voice singing, even if from off stage." ....but you are too fat to be on stage for this production.


So maybe the "But" is so ingrained in me that I now do it myself to save others the trouble of doing it for me in that unspoken-but-may-as-well-be-screamed way I grew up believing always existed.  My head tells me that now when someone comments on how I look, they mean it as a genuine compliment, but the "But" that was written on my soul from a young age, automatically vocalizes "But I still have a long ways to go."  Maybe I don't really believe the comment was warranted.  Maybe I, at times, only see how far I still have to go other than seeing where I came from.

With that being said, I feel like I am talking out of both sides of my face when I write about it not being about weight but about health.  It is about health...but apparently I still have to work on my mental health where my weight and body image is concerned.  Health is hard stuff.  It's not all about body and it's not all about mind and it's not all about relationships.  It's about all of it combined and trying to find balance.  Guess that's why it is a marathon and not a sprint.